An Inline-skating Adventure - Medic!!
Posted: Saturday, June 13, 2009
by Denise Evans
I had imagined this new adventure in a totally different way. Although I knew that it was going to take some practice, endurance, commitment and lots of ibuprofen. So my decision was made to spend some hard-earned money on a pair of inline-skates(something, I came to realize, was invented in a medieval, torture chamber, centuries ago).
So off to the athletic store I go. By the way, sales-staff in these types of stores are usually under 50(ok, way under 50)and don't like people over 50, or, they are just biding their time until they can go inline-skating themselves. When they see you come through the door they ignore you for the most part. If they do ask if they can help you put on your best imitation of someone that knows all about skating. The Sonja Henie look(or, for you youngsters, how about the Oksana Baiul look). Oh sure, I've skated all my life. And which one is for which foot? Right, I knew that.
Now I've actually slipped my foot into one skate, and I feel the muscles building already! And so easy with the Velcro straps instead of those time-consuming laces! And hey, I can stand right up on this skate, woohoo! Hold me back! As my mind's eye races with the glimpses of myself gracefully gliding along the path in my cutest, Summer outfits, look'in good!
Then I'm awakened from my fantasy of things to come by an intruding voice. "You might want to try the other one on as well, to make sure you get a good fit". Oh definitely! Yes, the other fits nicely as well. What? You say I should stand up to make sure of the fit? Somehow teetering on both skates, feeling as if I am a foot off the ground, my inline-skating fantasy is fading quickly. But in my confident, show-no-fear expression, I sit back down thinking that I remembered that chair being much higher? Yes, this pair will do fine and I just love the color!
Removing my new "ticket" to meeting guys and getting all that great exercise I've been procrastinating on for so long, uh, 30 years! But lots of folks my age are taking up new things! And getting in shape! Why I don't stop listening to vicious rumors I'll never know.
Cash or credit and I'm out the door, proudly walking to the car with my very, own inline-skates. I start feeling so athletic just by having that new box sitting beside me in the seat, making sure anyone glancing in will see those words "Inline-Skates" clearly.
Arriving home and carrying my box, again, making sure the name on the box is visible, hoping my neighbors might be peaking out their windows today. I unpack my new skates and place them strategically in my living room, not any closet, but right there where I can enjoy them. Especially in case anyone should stop by.
After a few days of just getting used to looking at them and more fantasizing I thought actually going outdoors and trying them out was the best plan.
The day finally arrived . It was time. Time to turn the fantasy into reality. A path that runs the length of the neighborhood, as well as along the river looked like the best place to start. Very level, looks good. I somehow knew, instinctively, that any incline whatsoever could mean my demise(now I had a new fantasy. Getting my money back and snuggling on my couch safe and sound). But I'd gotten this far and I wasn't ready to face that snooty sales-person. Who am I kidding. They were off inline-skating by now.
By the way, if you are a woman over 50, you may notice how your mood changes a lot? Either that or you realize you really are several different people in one body. Ok, I digress.
The weather is glorious! 70 degrees and lots of neighbors venturing into the great outdoors after a long Winter! Wow, and I am so prepared to have a great, fun-filled, romantic Summer! Wait til they all see! By the time I've been skating a week I would surely grow younger by at least 10 years!
My 9-lb, pup Toney, went everywhere with me and this would be no exception. I mean, how much fun was it going to be walking her while inline-skating! For now though, she would have to settle for a front-row seat for the show. I don't want to jump ahead here but eventually my death became a real possibility in this adventure. Leaving Toney in a safe place was one of the smartest things I did.
I walked along until I found an empty park bench where I could hitch Toney up and put on my skates. I slipped them on as if it were the hundredth time(in case someone was actually watching)and stood up. There it was again, that teetering feeling and the ground looking even further away than I'd remembered in the athletic store.
I just want to put in a bit of advice here for anyone who cares to take it. If ever you decide to go shopping in an athletic store for yourself? Make sure you are actually "athletic". I just have a suspicion that that is why they emphasize the word, you know, as a warning for folks. And if any athletic store folks happen to be reading this, how about adding a sub-title, something like "couch-potatoes shop at your own risk"?
In starting out I quickly noticed that if I tried to hold my body any other way but straight up and down the inline-skates moved. Then I remembered they're on wheels and wheels roll(don't be too critical as you may find yourself not remembering little details like that one day).
In further assessing the situation, I could see I was either going to be slung forward onto the cement, face first or, backwards depending on which way my body leaned. I didn't seem to have any control over just which way my body leaned either. I did manage to just stand straight and still, very still. But I had no idea where I might go from there.
Making a quick scan of my surroundings revealed nothing to grab onto, other than the park bench. Neither did I see any soft surface to land on. The grass lined the concrete(very hard, only second in hardness to the diamond)path but it was that real, short grass with dry, hard, dirt underneath? Happy memories of walking in tennis -shoes flooding my brain.
Have I talked much about the boots? They are made of some sort of iron, near as I could tell. Nothing on the face of the planet could get them to bend, least of all, my shins. The most vivid memory of the event was the sensation of both my shins being on fire. I've heard of "feeling the burn"(an athletic term)so I knew this had to be a good thing. Right, someone please throw me in the river and put me out.
I know you are thinking a person with even the tiniest of brain-cells remaining, would surely sit back down, remove the pain-inflicting devices and given them to the next 8 year old they saw. But I couldn't let go of my fantasy. No, not yet. I catch on to things quickly and this wasn't going to be any different. The term "I am my own, worst enemy" comes to mind, geesh!
So began the longest 15 minutes of my life. All I could do was sort of scoot one foot and then the other. Nothing like skating but more like scooting-in-place. After I realized I could actually scoot without falling I stepped up the pace a little. I figured out a way to do that by swinging my arms forward, gently swinging you understand, and in doing so I could propel my body along the concrete path.
I was picking up a bit of a style, scooting-in-place that is. Inline-scooting. In between scoots, I could swing, then coast a bit. Scoot, swing, coast, scoot, swing, coast. Ok, so it wasn't turning out to be the graceful gliding I had imagined. More like a confused windsock in a tornado.
Not wanting to get to far from the bench(I was now 2 feet from it)I found stopping was going to be an issue. But only until I discovered I could drop, tuck and roll in that sorry excuse for grass. I was starting to have a new respect for the fat I had acquired over the years. This "unwanted fat" was very, much wanted right about now.
The first time I fell was involuntary. Alright, I crashed. I laid there a minute to make sure nothing was broken and that hopefully, no one had seen me. Struggling to my feet took some figuring in itself. By carefully getting into a kneeling position(hmm, maybe I should pray while I'm here)and then lifting one knee at a time using my arms of course, for balance. Then, again with nothing to grab onto but air, thin air at that, using every bit of my non-athletic body to get back on my feet, I mean skates.
Not a negative experience in that I learned this new tuck and roll technique I'd heard of. The stopping issue had been solved. And, with a little practice, I was able to be much more graceful by planning my wipe-outs. You can almost make it look like it's on purpose. I know, fool some of the people some of the time.
Toney the dog seemed to be content watching this strange ritual. Scooting by her I could glance, carefully, since even a feather landing on my shoulder could throw me off balance. I could see her little head was turning as if watching a tennis match in real, slow-motion. I must have resembled some sort of drunken, vulture floating about for it's prey.
When I saw the cop coming up the street I thought surely he would see how serious the situation was and stop to help me. A ticket for endangering myself or anything in my path would have been welcome at this point. But no, in fact, I wondered if he might not get a kink in his neck from straining so hard to look in the opposite direction of where I was performing. I understand that he probably had a long day in already. I hold no grudge.
I was on my own and one, more, planned wipe-out, as close to my bench as possible, it would all be over, at least until my next bright idea.
So ended my adventure in inline-skating. Removing those skates was way more fun than putting them on. I had survived and learned much from the experience, like I am more suited for gardening. I did see one guy with a camera. If I learned one other thing that day it was next time, I was going to be the smart one on the other side of the camera. I didn't wait around to see if he would attempt blackmail, I just moved to another State and tossed my "fantasy" in the GoodWill box as I sped out of town.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Hi Denise, Welcome to searchwarp!!! You are my kind of gal! I agree, inline skates are wicked, wicked, wicked, and have no business being on the planet. I am a skater (4 wheels) and I tried inline skates. ONCE. Thank you for this delightful read. Your vivid descriptions had me sitting on a park bench watching the entire episode.You had me hooked from the first word. Stick around and share another story :-) I am a fan!! Blessings to you! TeresaWow, that is so sweet of you Teresa! I am really excited that you liked it:) Yes, there will be more where that came from, lol;) I look forward to reading your stuff and will do that shortly!!
Denise in Sams Valley Oregon:)...and you even live in Oregon, me too :-)I have written a tale or two about my mishaps as well, I think we are going to get along just fine. lolAs soon as I learn my way around here, LOL!!! I'm lost, and, I can't believe how many things you've written!!! Awesome:) I have been working since 5:30 a.m. on my writing etc. So I am about to take a lunch break. Hope to see you a little later! I am near Shady Cove OR by the way, where are you Teresa?
denise:) your new writer-buddette:)I am near Eugene, where the heck is Sams Valley? I'm going to send you a personal note real quick :-)
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